Teen in Jail: friends

Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts

Friday, July 30, 2010

Best of Teen in Jail

Monday, April 26, 2010

I can’t describe in words how good it feels to only be 10 minutes away from home. Even though I’m still not free, at least there’s no razor wire fences, no guard towers, no truck driving around the compound all day and night, no more prison blues (clothes), no more saying “Braden 131948” before I go to sleep every night, etc. I could go on forever.

Even though I’m allowed to go out by myself and look for a job, I’m still worried. What if I see someone I know? What would I say if they saw me? It’s going to be hard to do the right thing. Hopefully I won’t have to deal with that for a little while. I just want to be able to get used to living a normal life before I have to deal with old friends.

As of now, though, I’m so grateful to be here. It’s kinda weird because hardly anything has changed, yet at the same time, everything is different. I can’t explain it.

Well all I need to do now is find a job.

Photo: Famous painting "The Scream" by Edvard Munch.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

War stories

All day long all I hear is people telling each other how when they get out they’re going to get drunk or high – or they’ll tell old stories about how they used to get drunk or high. It’s a daily occurrence. I have people all trying to talk to me about such things.

To be honest, I really don’t want to hear their war stories. Most of the time, I’ll try to change the conversation and if that doesn’t work, I’ll get up and leave.

I know I’ve written about old war stories myself, but that was just to show some of the things I myself have been through. I’m not proud of any of it. I used to be. I really can’t explain why. I though maybe my friends would be impressed by the things I did, but none of that matters anymore. The gangs, the drugs and the violence only raised the crime rate and made our community unsafe, even if back then I claimed that I was “helping the hood.” Ha. Was I an idiot or what?

Monday, March 22, 2010

I'm sorry

There are a lot of people I’ve hurt that I may never see again, so this is for you.

I’ve hurt too many people to list. Heck, I can’t even remember them all. That’s sad but true.

Everyone that ever knew me I’ve hurt at some point. I’ve stolen from family and friends. I’ve sold drugs that could kill you to my friends and people I barely knew – not even considering the consequences. I was in two high-speed police chases for stupid reasons and I never once thought of the people I could have killed if I hit another car. Also, I’ve broken into houses only out of pure greed. There’s so much more I could mention, but that’s not really important. I just feel guilty about so much. I was reckless – never caring about anybody but myself. The thing that kills me the most is how I’ve disappointed my parents over and over just to go right back out to do the same things.

Well to all those who I’ve hurt, I’m truly and sincerely sorry. I hate myself for the things I’ve done. I understand if you don’t forgive me, but I at least want you to know how I feel.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Don't be friendly

I don’t care if you try to stay to yourself while in prison or not. There are always people trying to get things out of you. At first it’s petty – like one cookie or one cigarette. But over time, it adds up. It’s always just one of something.

I learned that even before I came to prison. You can’t be friendly. After awhile, people will leave you alone, except the few people who actually want to be your friend. Be careful though – even these people can be deceiving.

The world inside these prison gates are cruel and over time, it kinda hardens you, so to speak. You learn to tell people what you’re really thinking. Sometimes you get so aggravated because people won’t leave you alone, you just sort of snap on people for the littlest things. That’s only happened to me a couple of times and they happened to be some of my friends. I feel guilty for doing it, but an apology would show weakness. So I explained my situation to them and left it at that. Your true friends (at least for your prison term) will understand.

What I guess I’m trying to say is, don’t be friendly in any way. Once you do, you’ll never see the end of it.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Out of sight, out of mind

While I was in county jail, I used to get letters from a couple of people. They kept writing and always encouraged me. They told me they would continue to write and they couldn’t wait until I got out. Apparently, that isn’t the case because ever since I got to prison back in September, I haven’t received one letter from any of those people that said they’d keep writing. I guess it's “out of sight, out of mind.”

Being incarcerated, you learn who really cares about you. Even most of my old friends didn’t write me while I was at the jail. It’s been 15 – 16 months since I’ve heard from any of them. Not that I’d want to [hear from them] these days, but it really shows me who keeps me in their thoughts. Although I must say – for the few people who were writing me in the jail, telling me they were proud of me and can’t wait ‘til I get out – it really caught me off guard when you stopped writing. I was hurt for awhile, but now I can see I mean nothing to you. It’s okay though. There are still plenty of people that want me to do right when I get out.

Monday, January 11, 2010

An uncertain future

Now that 2010 is here and with all the holidays coming and going, my head is a mess.

Sometimes for weeks at a time I’m excited and happy my time is flying by, but out of nowhere, it’s like I hit a brick wall and fall into a depression that seems like it will never end. Also at times, I’m so sure about what I want to do when I get out and then the next day, I have no idea. I can’t keep my thoughts and emotions straight. It kills me to think that I could very easily spend the rest of my life going to and from prison without even trying.

I’m reminded daily of the odds stacked against me - sometimes that’s what keeps me working toward a better future, but other times it just makes me want to give up. It’s so easy to give up. I could tell you about it just as much as the next guy because I’ve done it all my life. I gave up school, good friends, and even my family at times. I just can’t seem to hold on.

I hate to admit this, but from time to time, I can’t help but cry, knowing I might never be able to stop being who I was. I want nothing more than to live a normal life. I don’t care if I’m dirt poor, working at a minimum wage job – just as long as I can say I’m trying my best. That’s all I want, but everything just seems so hard. Especially being a convicted felon. That doesn’t help me at all. It only makes things 10 times worse.

I hate thinking like this, but sometimes I can’t help it. Let’s face it – everything I worry about is a reality. I’ve got a lot of things I have to face when I get out. It’s overwhelming at times.

All I can do for now though is deal with my current situation and then worry about everything else when it comes. When I finally get out, I’ll just have to deal with everything one thing at a time, not all at once, or I’ll be crushed under all the pressure. I know it.

I hate to ask for help, but I know I won’t make it without it.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Finding friends

One thing I’m making sure I do is pick my friends out more carefully.

Being in prison, I’m surrounded by people who have accepted their way of living and feel like nobody can tell them what to do. I’m not one of those people.

Sure I could become their friend, but I know that would only drag me back down to their level, and I’ve been there way too many times.

So now I’ve started picking the people I hang around with more wisely. All the people I put myself around are trying to fix themselves just like I am. Too bad there aren’t more people like that, but I have found three good people to be around. We all pray for each other and we all need it.

Unfortunately, I’m the only one going to the work camp, so I’m going to have to leave them behind to find new friends and that’s the hard part. If worse comes to worse, I’ll stick to myself, but I’m sure I’ll be okay no matter what.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Your real friends

"The bad times show you who your good friends are." - Teen in Jail

If you were to go to jail right now, how many of your friends would come to see you? How many of them would be willing to bond you out - or at least put money in your commissary?

I'm sure if you'd ask them if they would do any of those things, they would say, "You know I would. You're my friend and I'm here for you."

But do you really believe that?

I'm sure I'm not the only person that will tell you that when you come to jail, you will be very lonely and your visits will never be booked up.

I'm not saying your family won't help you out. I'm just saying your friends aren't likely to.

Of course, there are good friends out there that will help you, but in my experience, most of them won't help you at all - unless they need something from you.

Just in case the people who have been looking out for me read this, this has nothing to do with you. You know who you are. Thanks for sticking by me. I won't let ya'll down ever again.