Now that 2010 is here and with all the holidays coming and going, my head is a mess.Sometimes for weeks at a time I’m excited and happy my time is flying by, but out of nowhere, it’s like I hit a brick wall and fall into a depression that seems like it will never end. Also at times, I’m so sure about what I want to do when I get out and then the next day, I have no idea. I can’t keep my thoughts and emotions straight. It kills me to think that I could very easily spend the rest of my life going to and from prison without even trying.
I’m reminded daily of the odds stacked against me - sometimes that’s what keeps me working toward a better future, but other times it just makes me want to give up. It’s so easy to give up. I could tell you about it just as much as the next guy because I’ve done it all my life. I gave up school, good friends, and even my family at times. I just can’t seem to hold on.
I hate to admit this, but from time to time, I can’t help but cry, knowing I might never be able to stop being who I was. I want nothing more than to live a normal life. I don’t care if I’m dirt poor, working at a minimum wage job – just as long as I can say I’m trying my best. That’s all I want, but everything just seems so hard. Especially being a convicted felon. That doesn’t help me at all. It only makes things 10 times worse.
I hate thinking like this, but sometimes I can’t help it. Let’s face it – everything I worry about is a reality. I’ve got a lot of things I have to face when I get out. It’s overwhelming at times.
All I can do for now though is deal with my current situation and then worry about everything else when it comes. When I finally get out, I’ll just have to deal with everything one thing at a time, not all at once, or I’ll be crushed under all the pressure. I know it.
I hate to ask for help, but I know I won’t make it without it.
All I can say is keep your head up. I am a twice convicted felon with a great job. It took a long time and I'm sure I have it a little easier because I'm a female, but you can't give in to those thoughts. I had to start at the bottom and work my way up, and you'll have to work harder than any other non-felon employee, but it is possible.
ReplyDeleteThere are days, especially pay day, when I realize how much more money I used to make and how much easier it was, but when I think of the hurt I caused my family to get that money, it's just not worth it.
You're doing a good thing here, keep it going by setting a good example when you come home. Who knows, maybe you'll be able to put your memoirs together for a book and you won't have to "work" for anyone!! Good luck! I'll be waiting for the next post....