Prison education

When you get to prison, you are assessed to see if you need or want an education. For me, I already had my GED when I came to prison, but I wanted to learn another trade. Unfortunately, even though I asked to learn one, I was never asked what I wanted to learn or told what is even available.

I have been told by people that work in prison that I should use my time to get a better education. Apparently, I can’t though. They don’t offer anything here at the work camp. It really didn’t matter to me, though, because I write a lot anyway. But for those that don’t have anything going for them, I don’t see how they can better themselves. It doesn’t seem like the state of Florida offers too many classes. It’s extremely limited.

To me, it seems like it’s almost impossible to rehabilitate a convicted felon in prison. Think about it. The only real classes are GED classes and if already have it or don’t, you spend your whole day around criminals who only talk about selling drugs, robbing people, etc… It seems like prison can only make a person worse. Although I’m sure there are a select few who actually make it because deep down inside they really want to change.

An uncertain future

Now that 2010 is here and with all the holidays coming and going, my head is a mess.

Sometimes for weeks at a time I’m excited and happy my time is flying by, but out of nowhere, it’s like I hit a brick wall and fall into a depression that seems like it will never end. Also at times, I’m so sure about what I want to do when I get out and then the next day, I have no idea. I can’t keep my thoughts and emotions straight. It kills me to think that I could very easily spend the rest of my life going to and from prison without even trying.

I’m reminded daily of the odds stacked against me - sometimes that’s what keeps me working toward a better future, but other times it just makes me want to give up. It’s so easy to give up. I could tell you about it just as much as the next guy because I’ve done it all my life. I gave up school, good friends, and even my family at times. I just can’t seem to hold on.

I hate to admit this, but from time to time, I can’t help but cry, knowing I might never be able to stop being who I was. I want nothing more than to live a normal life. I don’t care if I’m dirt poor, working at a minimum wage job – just as long as I can say I’m trying my best. That’s all I want, but everything just seems so hard. Especially being a convicted felon. That doesn’t help me at all. It only makes things 10 times worse.

I hate thinking like this, but sometimes I can’t help it. Let’s face it – everything I worry about is a reality. I’ve got a lot of things I have to face when I get out. It’s overwhelming at times.

All I can do for now though is deal with my current situation and then worry about everything else when it comes. When I finally get out, I’ll just have to deal with everything one thing at a time, not all at once, or I’ll be crushed under all the pressure. I know it.

I hate to ask for help, but I know I won’t make it without it.

Answers to your questions

I sent a long list of questions to Ted on October 27, 2009 when he was at the Central Florida Reception Center (CFRC) in Orlando. Here’s what he sent back on November 6, 2009:

Answers to your questions
(Uhhh Here we go)

Do you have a mattress at least on the floor or are you sleeping on the hard floor?
I have a bottom bunk here in Orlando.

Is the floor cement?
The floor is made of cement.
(He had been sleeping on the floor in the box at Brevard.)

Do you have A/C?
No A/C, but it’s cool outside at night, so it’s okay.

Is it too hot or too cold there?
It’s not too hot or cold as of now.

Are there bugs like before?
Not as many bugs here as at Lake Butler.

Is the cell dirty?
Every cell in prison is dirty.

What do you have for bedding? Pillow? Blanket? Sheets?
I have no pillow, 2 sheets, 1 blanket, and a thin mat.

Can you tell me about your cellmates other than the fact that they’re cool?
I don’t really know my new cell mate. He’s quiet.

You don’t get to go outside at all in solitary? Just to showers?
You can’t go outside when you’re in the box except after 30 days and then when you do go outside, it’s in a tiny human, dog cage that’s not even big enough to run around and you can only go out there for 3 hours a week at the most.

Are the showers for the regular cells also 20 minutes long?
Showers are for 1 – 2 minutes in regular cells.

Are they too hot or too cold or can you adjust the water temperature?
You can’t adjust the shower temp, but the showers are always either way too hot to get in or way too cold.

Do they give you soap, shampoo and a towel?
Yes, they give us soap and a towel. No shampoo.

When you first got there, what were you issued? Towel? Toothbrush? Soap? Toothpaste?
(Describe all items you were given on first day)
When I first got to Brevard, they give you sheets, blanket, soap, laundry bag, towel, new clothes with your name and DC# stitched on, a razor, toothbrush and toothpaste.

Did you get a rulebook?
Yes, I got a rulebook from Brevard.

Can you tell me about guards or other kids there, or is that not allowed? Can you write about them, but not use names perhaps?
I can’t write about guards and I don’t know anything about anybody else to write about.

Can you buy a TV in the canteen? Radio?
AH Ha There’s no TV on canteen, but you can buy a radio.

Now that weather is getting colder, can you buy long underwear or a sweatshirt or something? (Why do mothers always ask this?)
I’m not really sure about sweatshirts yet. I’m trying to find out though.

How far do you have to walk to get to the shower? Do you pass other cells on the way?
When I was in the box at Brevard, the shower was about four feet from my cell. Why they had to handcuff me to walk four feet, who knows?

What are the walls made out of in the cell? What color are the walls and floor?
The floor is gray and the walls are white.

What’s in the cell? Two beds, toilet? Shelves? Table? Where do you keep your stuff?
There’s 2 beds, a metal toilet/sink, and 2 metal lockers on the floor (at Orlando).

What have you bought so far in the commissary?
All I really buy on canteen is food. I was buying cigarettes at Lake Butler, but since I keep getting transferred, I think I might try and quit. It’s more stressful to start and stop.

Does anybody take your commissary stuff?
I’ve had some envelopes stolen, but that’s it so far. Oh yea, send more. Someone stole 10 last night when I took a shower.

Did you buy a deck of cards in solitary?
You can’t have cards in the box.

Did you get any of my books yet?
I didn’t get your books. I probably won’t now.
(He did eventually get all the books I sent when he got to the work camp at Lancaster.)

Did you ask the chaplain for a visit and a Bible?
I didn’t ask the chaplain to come see me, but I did get a nice Bible though. I read it every night.

What kind of food do you get for meals? Do you get enough? Is it good?
We get meatloaf, hot dogs, oatmeal, grits, eggs, coffee cakes, noodles, spaghetti, etc… Really we get a little bit of everything. It never seems like enough, but it’s better than the county jail.

Have you been able to get any books from the library?
I don’t know how the library works.

Have they told you anything about getting your wisdom teeth pulled?
!* IMPORTANT: They won’t pull my wisdom tooth because they said it was fine. I saw the dentist at Brevard last Thursday.

Will you be able to take a CDL class or any other class?
I’m not sure if I even have enough time to take a trade. They say I need at least a year or more.

What do people do when they’re outside? Just start fights?
People just sit around outside. All the fights are inside where the CO can’t see.

Do you know how tall you are now?
I don’t think I grew, but who knows?

Whoo…from now on if you ask like 1/12 the questions, I’ll answer them in more detail.

Ted later explained to me that the toilet and sink were one piece. The sink is on the back of the toilet.

When I get out

I know I said that when I get out, I want to go to school, but then I ask myself:

What school will accept me?
Can I afford it?
Can I get a job to pay for school?
How will I get to and from school?

All these questions overwhelm me and I’m trying my hardest not to give in to the pressure. I know I could just say screw it, I’m in prison now, so I’m just going to get used to it. It’s way easier to not work and sell drugs – but I can’t do it.

For some reason, I feel like I’m meant for greater things.

Even though I know this, it’s a constant struggle for me. I know that when I am released I’ll have no car, no guaranteed job, no money saved up, and hardly any clothes, let alone dress clothes for interviews. All this is always at the back of my mind.

If I told you it wasn’t, I’d be lying. I know things won’t be easy, and I feel like I’m sitting on a fence hoping I don’t fall on the side with all the dangerous rocks.

I know I’ve only begun a long road to recovery, but once I’m released, that’s the true test. I want nothing more than to give this story of mine a happy ending.

Why I got into trouble

For some reason, my mom is convinced that she is somehow responsible for my behavior and bad choices I’ve made in the past.

Sure, maybe she spoiled me too much, but that’s not the reason I joined a gang or started using drugs. My mom did everything she could to keep me out of trouble and provided everything I needed to succeed, but it was my decisions that led me to where I am today.

So then what caused you to make poor decisions, join a gang and do drugs, you might ask? Well, I’ve though a lot about it and I’ve come to this conclusion: Every kid at a certain age goes through a stage where he/she doesn’t want to listen to his parents. Kids are in too much of a rush to grow up. Depending on the group of friends they have and what type of atmosphere they’re exposed to will play a big part in who they become.

Also it’s a very good idea for them to have hobbies or some kind of activity that they enjoy to help fill up their free time. That was one thing I never had. I didn’t play many sports, play an instrument, go paintballing or anything else. I had way too much free time and freedom. I was in such a rush to grow up that I wanted to do what I saw all the older kids doing. They drank, smoked cigarettes and weed, and did pretty much whatever they wanted to do without their parents telling them what to do. Eventually I started doing what they did and it made me feel more adult-like. After awhile, I stopped going to school and missed any and all opportunities that came with it. I wasn’t playing sports, I wasn’t doing chores, I really didn’t do anything. I wasn’t doing anything I was supposed to.

All I wanted to do was get high and hang out with my friends. Nothing else mattered. Well today I’m paying for all that. If I could go back and change things I would, but since I can’t, I’m trying to make the best of it.

My advice to any parents who are willing to listen is simply this – and you’ve probably heard it all before, but it couldn’t be more true. Don’t let your children get to the point where you can’t control them. Set firm rules and you can’t under any circumstances let them break those rules without punishing them. It’s up to you how you punish them, but don’t go easy, but don’t be too cruel either. Let them know you mean business. For those parents whose kids are already getting out of control, all I can tell you is make sure they get what they deserve. Let their punishment fit the crime and hopefully they’ll realize it’s not worth the trouble. If that means they have to spend a few weeks in the JDC (Juvenile Department of Corrections), then so be it. Some people just have to learn the hard way. Look at me.

School

All throughout my childhood, I never tried in school.

I was very smart and could've done very well - it's just that I didn't care to try.

My whole life I did just enough to move on and keep up with my class. I only really failed one grade.

It wasn't until I got into high school that I just stopped going altogether.

When I first got into high school in 9th grade, I would ride the bus to school - sometimes stay for 1st and 2nd period - then leave with my friends. We would go to someone's house, the mall, the beach - really just any place but school.

A lot of the times we would just go to a park and smoke weed.

After my first year of high school, my mom realized that I didn't want to go and that no matter what she did, I was just going to do what I wanted. So my mom signed me up to take my GED.

I didn't get to complete it at first because I got into trouble and was sent to a drug rehab, but as soon as I was done with that program, I got out and finished my GED right away at age 16.